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Tuesday, September 7th, 2004

Posted by:shacklefree.
Time:8:21 pm.
Have done much thinking lately. Do understand that thinking is dangerous, but indulge regardless. Have discovered several disturbing facts about self.

1) Have low sex drive.
2) Do not wish to change previously stated fact.
3) Do, however, wish to have relationship.
4) Inconsistencies in previous facts suggest that will be incredibly lonely.
5) Have run from many potentially fabulous relationships because feared would turn sexual in nature.

Now, am not trying to insinuate that have not had sex. Have had much sex. Have even enjoyed some of said sex. However, most sex was had for partner's sake rather than own, not that was forced or against will. Have no desire to embark on sexual crusade in near future, even though am in middle of dry-spot. Could happily live rest of live without sex but could not live rest of life without any sort of relationship and intimacy.

SITUATION = ILLOGICAL. DOES NOT COMPUTE. (Also, post makes no sense. Sorry. Disturbed. Whining. No more.)
Comments: touch.

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

Posted by:sarawr.
Time:2:51 pm.
Wish would/could post in this thing more. Wish community would last beyond first sneeze. Wish same about relationships, actually.

Surprised to find self in fairly functional, reasonably healthy relationship. Occasionally miss exhilarating screaming fights and dodged (or not) blows, but realize destructive urges have not necessarily led self into enlightenment or success in past. Thinking a lot about the difference between evolution and running away or hiding.

Spend large amounts of time practicing forgotten pastimes; mulling, languishing, trudging, skipping, reminiscing, brooding, flourishing. Think perhaps need real hobby.

Anyone out there?
Comments: 5 godly remarks - touch.

Tuesday, May 18th, 2004

Posted by:sarawr.
Time:3:09 pm.
Have decided to update this thing out of sheer nostalgia. Do not, however, have anything interesting to say. Is same old story: boys suck, girls too complicated, perhaps should give up.

Have taken vow of celibacy and maintained for almost six months. Consider this something of an accomplishment, although occasionally find ease of keeping vow dismal in light of lack of temptation. Often wonder if, perhaps, will be celibate for rest of natural life. Is disheartening thought.

On other hand, thought of breaking celibacy even more dismal. Thought of any relationship at all invokes gag reflex. Cannot decide which is lesser of evils, and so am remaining celibate and alone out of inertia.

Fuck world. Going home soon; am going to console self with booze and booze and boys too easily controlled.
Comments: touch.

Sunday, July 6th, 2003

Posted by:dandy_lion.
Time:3:11 pm.
written 01:47am 29/06/2003
this morning he called me right as i was getting out of bed
"hey, i was wondering if we could mabe go out tonight?"
[damn. i dont want to do that ever again]
"umm...i dont know, i have an art class until six and then i'll have to see, im not sure what my planes are"
"well so mabe we could do somthing around seven or eaight?"
"mabe, i'll call you and let you know"
later in the day decided did not want to go out with man. got home, was about to tell man didnt want to go out, make up some excuse. try and fit in that self did not EVER want to go out with nice gentle safe man again. man calles the second got home. self = covered in paint and smelling like thinner. man says "yeah so i'll be at your house in about ten minutes" WTF, shit shit shit, cant tell man that dont want to go becuase man lives two hours away. hang up with man, call D. franticlly "help help, what self supposed to do?????" frantic conversation lasts two minutes as is interupted by door bell. race down stars to find man at door.
go out with man. fear bubbles up inside self. to much anxiety. go see movie. after movie self is dazzed and self-induced-drugged/dissositive feeling: "look at all the pritty little dots on the painted giraffes neck, they are so amazing!" [they = lame]
man starts talking, self disapears, far away does things self would not do, stars into space,
starts crying at some point, man askes if self wants to have a realtionship with man --self says "dont think am ready yet" man says "for a relationship?" yes , what about for "all this, the rest?" self wonderes what man means ---[so man will use self and have no emotional attantiment b/c is no hope for relationship?] relationship = ?.
end of night, in car, man says wants to talk to self, self says ok. man starts crying says that really likes self but seems like make each other sad, [self is happy that oh so smart man figured this out....all night self has been doing things to make man dislike self] ....insert more talk here....man walks self to door. non-self stands inside. drained. wired. frizzled. exausghted. car-sick. dizzy. nausious. anxious. on withdrawl. shaken. feels like blender. rattled.
jumps in shower, scrubs mans stench off of self, poors buckets of shampoo on hair to get rid of man-smell.

has come to conclusions:
every person has smell to self, men usally smell horrible. cannot stand smell of men. of breadth. lies on dads bed and is desgusted by man smell. smell =/= calone. is destinct man smell. some smells are ok. likes self smell, smell = mix of old teddy bears + clay +fuzzy. people who do not have distinct smell = D--man, doesnt have man smell, and N--old best friend.
thinks mabe sense of smell is like synethisia, b/c no one else seems to smell smells that self smells [:-p] mabe smells r brains way of knowing who is ok and who isnt. the same way self sees colors and shapes instead of peoples emotoins.
does any other non- self think most men smell bad?
somthing learned about self = am VERY good at telling basterd men to go to hell, and that self never wants to see them again. VERY difficult telling nice, sweet, gentle, men who do not ever want to hurt self that self never wants to see them again.
also realized what hate in men:
1. man crying = sexy, but ONLY when mans feelings are genuinly true, when man holds deep sadness then letting emotoins show in front of other person is honorable. HOWVER when man crys to get ANYTHING from other person, rather then to release feelings then man is disgusting. [goes for women also] man who shows pain that will not sleep with man = hateful. dont make feel bad for saying no.
2. man cuddling and touching self non stop = gross. self likes subtle touching. but not wandering hands. is best for self to initiate any kind of physicle contact. wants man to want to hold self but only when self goes to man. will hug man when man needs any kind of support. but support =/= sex. hate men who only want to hug self because men like big boobs = SICK. hate men who bring self to back of movie theater or hidden bench only so can touch self. self likes once and a while touch, shows careing and warmth but NOT when there is no reason, and NOT when man just wants sex or boobs or somthing of that nature
3. "u owe me nothing in return" is motta, hate it when self feels obliged to give men physicle body in payment for somthing. or when self feels bad for saying no becuase feels owes somthing to man. attitude towards loving other people = other people owe nothing in return for love. love is free. when self says "i love you" self says so NOT becuase self wants other person to say "i love you" back but because self wants other person to feel loved, and know that self cares about them. hates it when man says "i love you/i like you/you are gorgious/you are special ___insert any positive complementary statment here" and man only says it to get reasurance. that = wrong.
4. other thing that is contradictory but bothers self to no end: when look down and there is a big lump underneith mans pants, and man is all hard. hates it when self arouses man in any any way = disgusting. might be ok if was in appropiete situation, if self was siersly considering haveing sex with man. but is gross when is not in apporpirete situation. [knows is hard to control for men, still despises it]
5. when man continually tells self she is beautiful. makes feel like object.
6. hate being petted like animal or doll in any way.
7. hates always having to make man feel happy, or continue a genuine happyness between self and man and time together. like's man who understands that saddness is not necissarily a bad thing.

conclusions about self:
1.want to be loved way love a child, huggs, cuddles good touch, but NOT sexual --- possibly could pogress to that if self agrees but usally not. want huggs to be innocent, huggs =/= invitation to touch body in any sexual way. cuddles =/= invitation to kiss. hates actions being misinturpretted as sexual.
2.want to have sex, without romoving any clothes, or viewing any male genitale parts.
3. wonders if self is lesbian....self beleives would be just as difficult, but eiather way, with right male or right femail could work. knows for fact there are people self COULD have sexual relationship with most likly, most of these people have at some point been very very close friends. self has mastered the art of loving friends passionetly, "only" as friends. wonnders if sexual attraction = mutally exclusive with close friendship, at least for self.
trouble with sex with woman is that self not particularly attracted to another vagina. self is particularly attracted to male, especially chest. while still thinking that male genitals = uggliest thing ever seen [while still strangly attracted to them].

also, interesting//INTENSE/ dramatic/humorious movie came on showtime other day called "relax...its just sex"
Comments: 4 godly remarks - touch.

Wednesday, June 11th, 2003

Subject:My Goals In Life
Posted by:arbolera.
Time:8:44 pm.
x. To go 365 consecutive days being able to say "I am not pregnant"
x. To have only one PAP smear per year
x. To be bold, brazen, and slutty and have no serious and/or meaningful relationships until age 27.
x. Men cannot say "I love you" for first six months and cannot even think for first four.
x. Refrain from donkey love.
x. Lick lover daily.
x. Marry old geiser with fortune + fatal illness and inherit gobs of money and have illicit affair behind back (his, not own).
x. Do not live from lust to lust.
x. Despise all men (ie do not trust in order not to crush their spirits).
x. Search for man who is strong and caring but not patronising.
x. Wish to abandon spiritual quests for drama over boys and thighs and job and drinking/fags in manner of Bridget Jones.

"Have just eaten huge lump of cheese for no reason. Oh well, might as well eat the rest of it as if to draw a line under the whole sorry episode." Is story of entire life.
Comments: touch.

Friday, June 27th, 2003

Posted by:sarawr.
Time:3:11 am.
"Boys are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender."


Thought was appropriate.
Comments: touch.

Monday, June 23rd, 2003

Posted by:sarawr.
Time:11:32 am.
Am exhausted from dealing with other people's feelings for me. Wish boys would make up minds once and for all. Am tired of ex-fiancé drama. Wish would realize that have moved on out of necessity that HE imposed upon me. Wish did not feel like bitch because do not have feelings for ex-fiancé.

Wish did not have feelings for ex-boyfriend. Am working on eradicating feelings. Need a bit more time.

Wish friend did not have feelings for me. Wish would let go of ridiculous junior-high-style crush so would not feel guilty when flirt with other guys around him. If cannot let go of ridiculous crush, wish would go away so can have freedom to live life without big cow eyes mooning after me. Ugh. Ugh.

Am horrible person in manner of snotty rockstar who smashes hotel rooms to prove she can. Ugh.
Comments: 1 godly remark - touch.

Saturday, June 21st, 2003

Posted by:shacklefree.
Time:7:13 pm.
Understand am second-best and not wanted, but do not yet understand why.

Perhaps should take mind-altering substances in attempt to gain insight into why exactly am never adequate. From past experiences, know that no amount of mind-altering substances will convince that am not worthy of love. Must just chalk up entire life to shit luck and karma. Perhaps slaughtered cute, furry animals in past life. Must be reason.

.

Would write more but am too close to emotional break (down/through) for comfort and would rather go work out and punch something.

.

Don't know. These moments are like swallowing fire but balancing on tight-rope. So much agony that could double over to ease aching but know that can't because will fall off. Can't decide whether better to burn away slowly or fall quickly.
Comments: touch.

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