written 01:47am 29/06/2003
this morning he called me right as i was getting out of bed
"hey, i was wondering if we could mabe go out tonight?"
[damn. i dont want to do that ever again]
"umm...i dont know, i have an art class until six and then i'll have to see, im not sure what my planes are"
"well so mabe we could do somthing around seven or eaight?"
"mabe, i'll call you and let you know"
later in the day decided did not want to go out with man. got home, was about to tell man didnt want to go out, make up some excuse. try and fit in that self did not EVER want to go out with nice gentle safe man again. man calles the second got home. self = covered in paint and smelling like thinner. man says "yeah so i'll be at your house in about ten minutes" WTF, shit shit shit, cant tell man that dont want to go becuase man lives two hours away. hang up with man, call D. franticlly "help help, what self supposed to do?????" frantic conversation lasts two minutes as is interupted by door bell. race down stars to find man at door.
go out with man. fear bubbles up inside self. to much anxiety. go see movie. after movie self is dazzed and self-induced-drugged/dissositive feeling: "look at all the pritty little dots on the painted giraffes neck, they are so amazing!" [they = lame]
man starts talking, self disapears, far away does things self would not do, stars into space,
starts crying at some point, man askes if self wants to have a realtionship with man --self says "dont think am ready yet" man says "for a relationship?" yes , what about for "all this, the rest?" self wonderes what man means ---[so man will use self and have no emotional attantiment b/c is no hope for relationship?] relationship = ?.
end of night, in car, man says wants to talk to self, self says ok. man starts crying says that really likes self but seems like make each other sad, [self is happy that oh so smart man figured this out....all night self has been doing things to make man dislike self] ....insert more talk here....man walks self to door. non-self stands inside. drained. wired. frizzled. exausghted. car-sick. dizzy. nausious. anxious. on withdrawl. shaken. feels like blender. rattled.
jumps in shower, scrubs mans stench off of self, poors buckets of shampoo on hair to get rid of man-smell.
has come to conclusions:
every person has smell to self, men usally smell horrible. cannot stand smell of men. of breadth. lies on dads bed and is desgusted by man smell. smell =/= calone. is destinct man smell. some smells are ok. likes self smell, smell = mix of old teddy bears + clay +fuzzy. people who do not have distinct smell = D--man, doesnt have man smell, and N--old best friend.
thinks mabe sense of smell is like synethisia, b/c no one else seems to smell smells that self smells [:-p] mabe smells r brains way of knowing who is ok and who isnt. the same way self sees colors and shapes instead of peoples emotoins.
does any other non- self think most men smell bad?
somthing learned about self = am VERY good at telling basterd men to go to hell, and that self never wants to see them again. VERY difficult telling nice, sweet, gentle, men who do not ever want to hurt self that self never wants to see them again.
also realized what hate in men:
1. man crying = sexy, but ONLY when mans feelings are genuinly true, when man holds deep sadness then letting emotoins show in front of other person is honorable. HOWVER when man crys to get ANYTHING from other person, rather then to release feelings then man is disgusting. [goes for women also] man who shows pain that will not sleep with man = hateful. dont make feel bad for saying no.
2. man cuddling and touching self non stop = gross. self likes subtle touching. but not wandering hands. is best for self to initiate any kind of physicle contact. wants man to want to hold self but only when self goes to man. will hug man when man needs any kind of support. but support =/= sex. hate men who only want to hug self because men like big boobs = SICK. hate men who bring self to back of movie theater or hidden bench only so can touch self. self likes once and a while touch, shows careing and warmth but NOT when there is no reason, and NOT when man just wants sex or boobs or somthing of that nature
3. "u owe me nothing in return" is motta, hate it when self feels obliged to give men physicle body in payment for somthing. or when self feels bad for saying no becuase feels owes somthing to man. attitude towards loving other people = other people owe nothing in return for love. love is free. when self says "i love you" self says so NOT becuase self wants other person to say "i love you" back but because self wants other person to feel loved, and know that self cares about them. hates it when man says "i love you/i like you/you are gorgious/you are special ___insert any positive complementary statment here" and man only says it to get reasurance. that = wrong.
4. other thing that is contradictory but bothers self to no end: when look down and there is a big lump underneith mans pants, and man is all hard. hates it when self arouses man in any any way = disgusting. might be ok if was in appropiete situation, if self was siersly considering haveing sex with man. but is gross when is not in apporpirete situation. [knows is hard to control for men, still despises it]
5. when man continually tells self she is beautiful. makes feel like object.
6. hate being petted like animal or doll in any way.
7. hates always having to make man feel happy, or continue a genuine happyness between self and man and time together. like's man who understands that saddness is not necissarily a bad thing.
conclusions about self:
1.want to be loved way love a child, huggs, cuddles good touch, but NOT sexual --- possibly could pogress to that if self agrees but usally not. want huggs to be innocent, huggs =/= invitation to touch body in any sexual way. cuddles =/= invitation to kiss. hates actions being misinturpretted as sexual.
2.want to have sex, without romoving any clothes, or viewing any male genitale parts.
3. wonders if self is lesbian....self beleives would be just as difficult, but eiather way, with right male or right femail could work. knows for fact there are people self COULD have sexual relationship with most likly, most of these people have at some point been very very close friends. self has mastered the art of loving friends passionetly, "only" as friends. wonnders if sexual attraction = mutally exclusive with close friendship, at least for self.
trouble with sex with woman is that self not particularly attracted to another vagina. self is particularly attracted to male, especially chest. while still thinking that male genitals = uggliest thing ever seen [while still strangly attracted to them].
also, interesting//INTENSE/ dramatic/humorious movie came on showtime other day called "relax...its just sex"